Jokes that aren't funny relating to eating out (at a restaurant you sickos)

Misplaced yank here....

I'd like to discuss something and get some feedback if at all possible. These jokes are not funny so I better not catch you laughing. I would really like to know why people continue to use these.

Joke 1
Scene: Dinner with the family and grandma -- waiter approaches
Young man: (to waiter) I'll have a beer to drink
Waiter: Sure... I just need to see some ID.
Young man hands ID to waiter. He checks it.
Waiter: (to grandma) Ma'am what would you like to drink?
Grandma: I'll have a stiff chardonnay. (pause with stupid frumpy look) Do you need to check MY ID?
Waiter looks puzzled because she's old as hell and no he doesn't need to check her ID
Waiter: uhh... that won't be necessary.
Grandma: What? Are you saying I don't look young?

(No, you don't, you're old and it will stay that way. Stop making everyone else uncomfortable with this idiotic joke. Jokes have a lifespan and you've been raising this one from the dead for the last forty years like a demented joke zombie that you conjure up when the time is right to make everyone hate you, feel uncomfortable, and make yourself feel good because someone else feels dumb. I make dolts like you actually dig your ID out of that time capsule you call a purse and show it to me so I can verify that, yes, you are five generation older than everyone at this table and Moses is a personal friend of yours. Stop asking people to ID you, they don't want to ID anybody. They're required to because if they don't some genius who got a DUI recently and is working with the cops will try and bust them for not ID'ing people, not because they don't want to, but because it's likely that your stupid joke will come up. And sometimes the $250 fine is worth you shutting up about your age.)

Joke 2
Couple finishing dinner -- Waiter approaches
Waiter: So how was everything?
Man: (looking at completely clean plate) I hated it... haha... Tell the chef this is awful. (slaps own belly)

(You're an idiot. Clearly you couldn't wait to devour this meal, you walrus, because you thought your blood sugar was diving like the Hindenburg since you had to wait an extra five minutes for your table and there isn't enough bread on the continent to satisfy the grumblings your belly produces. Second, you're such a moron to buy a thirty dollar steak and inhale it like Pizza Roll because the 5 dollar gorgonzola you chose to add to the steak, flew off  like a table cloth being pulled by a magician for a trick. You are why everybody hates America.)

Thanks,

a misplaced yank

It's 2011 And AIDS Is Still Funny

Google Chat from today:

me:  if this were the great gatsby, it would be socially acceptable for me to smack you in public right now

 GG:  why

 me:  twice

 GG:  lolz

(red smiley face emoticon)

 me:  too bad they dont have an emoticon with a shiner

 GG:  my face is red from smacking

best i could do

 me:  i see

 Sent at 2:21 PM on Wednesday

 me:  so you don't eat dinner

 GG:  not on purpose, i just havent since i got back

i go home and have a beer, then befor i know it its time for bed

oh, well last night i got a quesadilla at the bar

it was NASty

 me:  is it because the AIDS medication makes you tired and nauseous?

 GG:  im not on AIDS medication

shoudl i be?

 me:  sorry HIV

 GG:  ...

 me:  ...

 GG:  (pile of shit emoticon)

 me:  gross

 GG:  (pig face emoticon)

 me:  always with the poop piles with you

 GG:  i like them

they make my point

 me:  first sign of a problem everything goes straight to shit

 GG:  (boom box emoticon)

 me:  do the tunes make the AIDS hurt less?

GG:  i feel no pain

 me:  ok enough of that

 GG:  HA

 me:  enough

 GG:  truce

 me:  if thats what you want to call it

 GG:  do you want to call it something else?

 me:  i'd call it the "stop it with the emoticons or i'm not talking to you anymore" game

 GG:  ok, works for me

 me:  you didn't even ask the amount of time that i'd ban talking to you

 GG:  any amount is too much

i concede

 me:  the GG i know would have responded with a shit pile

 GG:  i am shamed

 me:  well this is going south

 GG:  i am still sick

i am going to start taking antibiotics tonight

because at this point its probably pheumonia

 Sent at 2:31 PM on Wednesday

 me:  antibiotics = epzicom?

 GG:  amoxicillan

something like that

 me:  well that wont do any good

epzicom is the way to go

 GG:  I DON'T HAVE THE HIV

 me:  oh

ok

-DJ Happenstance

Ode to college advisement

A misplaced yank here. I just wanted to give a brief shout out to the half-wits that help me make my college schedule.

Your strange little office smells oh so weird
You're clueless about classes as I feared
You've got no good advice
So I'll try to be nice
But I can't stop staring at your beard

The times that we've spent are a waste
Half hour gone without a trace
My schedule's a mess
Per your suggest
I'd like to punch you in the face
-Fin

Ode to the Class Doodle

Greetings

Hello all,
This is A Misplaced Yank. Seriously. I'd like to talk to you a few minutes about myself and my contributions to this blog. They will be vile, twisted, weird, uncomfortable, and chock full of incorrect grammar for full effect. And furthermore I'll probably use the wrong affect to further this affect.  Get used to it.


A little bit about my day.
I woke in drunken stupor headed for the john this morning and decided I'm no longer participating in small talk. Small talk... silly questions and responses for people you don't particularly know but are forced to converse with because of proximity. Yikes. Example.

Irritating guy: "Hey...(awkward pause because he doesn't actually know my name)... Heh.. how's school going?'

A misplaced yank: " Good, good... (awkward pause because I don't actually know his name either but have making fun of him for weeks because he doesn't know mine.) ... school is really picking up, last few weeks.. uh... this semester ya know."

IG:" Well we all did it..."
AMY:" Well not EVERYBODY... heh."
IG: (he doesn't laugh because his sense of humor is dull) "Well... most of us. You'll be fine. I was. Heh."
AMY:" Right... so ... what would you like to drink?" (because the misplaced yank waits tables)
IG:"I don't know... what do you think is good?" (interesting, he never asks this because he usually doesn't care what I think)
AMY: "I think the (insert fancy italian wine pronunciation) is really delicious, full bodied, a bit spicy with hints of blackberry."
IG:"... huh... ten bucks a glass (he thinks I'm trying to pad the bill (sidenote: I totally am) because I suggest something decent) just bring me the pinot. Whatever."
AMY: (insert condescending) Of course sir, excellent choice...( under breath, "you prick")
And scene... Great job everyone, you really sold it.

Sidenote: I'm actually sitting in this place right now writing about this conversation. Whoa.
Other sidenote: I walked to the store to get Guinness so everyone has an excuse to get wasted this evening because it's St. Patty's and witnessed two people breaking up in a very small car. Normally this would be depressing except both people were very fat. Ha, sorry, I think that's just a little funny. The Geo looked like a crescent roll can that you just slapped on the counter and the sides are leaking dough. Great visual right?

That's all for the evening. Much love and strangeness.
-A misplaced yank